Since we got home from VA I have given some thought to what my racing plan is. I want a purpose and I don’t want that purpose to be a marathon. Not at this point anyway. I have no desire to run 4-5 hours when I can just run for 2 and not be crippled for days. Running that long is not something I feel is fun. I want to have fun I don’t want to begin to hate the training process and in my opinion, again at this time, I think running a different half marathon each time would be fulfilling and keep it fun.
So I want a personal purpose. I did think months ago that a tri would be my purpose but that may have been a “neat idea” because I’m no longer compelled to do so. So what is this goal that I want, strive for, think about? I thought running a half marathon in each of the New England states would be fun. The more I think about it, the more I like it. I am nervous that when that’s done I’ll turn it into some crazy ‘all 50 states” thing but so what? What is more troubling is how will I get it done before I can’t do it any longer but I’m Ukranian and you can’t kill us! I’ll be 96 before I finally keel over and I’m too pig headed to stop running. Now that my son may run this half in Oct with me I dream about maybe running some of these with him. Having a common purpose and feeling like we have a common purpose together besides mother and son.
So if I wanted to do all 50 states and I did 3 per year it would take me 17 years. Do 4 per year and i’ll knock it down to 12. I can do 12 but do I want to commit every month of the year to training over and over again for that long? I can give it a go and group it in small chunks so that if I can’t do the entire US I could finish groupings of states and still opt out having completed a set. To me that’s how I could chalk it up to success without biting off so much that I couldn’t chew it. Right now I think I’ll take on New England starting in 2015 and finish in 2016. Having done the MA piece I will still have RI, CT, NH, VT and ME. I already know which race in VT I want to run and will search for the others soon to start preparing me for what race to run and when all revolving around home-life schedule.
I like having a purpose for me. Something that I do because I want to do it not because someone in my family needs it or because I want to do something nice for someone else. I want to do something nice for ME for a change. Yes. I want to do something nice for me! I think I deserve it, earned it and you know what? I owe it to myself to do that. I am not perfect and The Lord knows that I have made my fair share of mistakes. I pay for those every day and haven’t forgotten that I am an imperfect being. I have never put myself above anyone I love. I’m the first to step back and put others first and I will continue to do this but I’m working in some me time. I don’t want to die never having done a little living.
Running has made me feel alive again and purposeful and happy and successful in times where I was reminded about how unsuccessful I was. Not all my fault but our situation could be better had I worked harder. I have pity now for people battling depression because I lived it first hand for a long time. It’s dark and scary and leaves you feeling like nothing and as if there is no hope. It does very bad things to your psyche and fuck’s you up pretty bad. Many, like Robin Williams, never recover and that is a true tragedy. I have a terrible situation to thank for kicking my ass into climbing out of hell and even though dark days try to come back I’m better and will never again succumb to it. Even though things aren’t perfect I have a much better time keeping perspective on how we got here and keeping my level head on tight. Again not perfect but not something I’m willing to throw my world away for. Many live lives that are worthy of being called bad with situations that are unbearable and I cannot in good faith say that those apply to me no matter how bad I think my life might be at times. Just what I’d call an irritation like a bug bite. Leave it alone and it stops itching. Itch it and it gets out of control for no reason.
So that will be my goal for now. It is mine all mine and I intend to accomplish it because I can and because I want to!