So last week we knowingly dropped our pursuit of a May race due to my son’s wisdom teeth extraction. Adjusting activity from training back to me time means that now my long runs are 4-7 or so miles. I did 4 yesterday and they were 4 of the best miles recently completed by myself. I felt free from the burden of having to run a certain number of miles (how do I ever think I’m going to ever do a full marathon some day if ever??) I enjoyed the crisp morning air and just being out there running free. These were also some of the worst miles. Maybe worst is too big of a word. I don’t know what is wrong with me but I feel like I’m back to the very beginning days when I had just started out running. I feel that every step is effort where days not long ago I felt so good to be out there like nothing could stop me and miles were accomplishments rather than challenges. Maybe it’s my new shoes not giving me the right support that I need to feel like I’m “springing” through each step. I do miss my sauconys. Maybe I need to get back to a stronger core or maybe I need to dump some of the 15 pounds I gained since losing the 50. I know some of it is muscle, some is just plain eating in general and some is lack of a strong a core which I once was well on my way to. Laziness breeds weakness for sure. It’s a matter of buckling down and not only re-thinking my weekly routines and putting my money where my mouth is, it’s making it a priority. When I was sad, not too long ago, I was laser focused driven by sheer hatred and anger and disgust. Now that every day isn’t filled with self loathing and unbridled hatred of some people and some things, I have lost some of my rock-solid ambitious energy-infused mentally-backed drive. That to me is a bit sinful and somewhat shameful on my part for getting comfortable. The only person driving my train is me and I need to rethink what MY priorities are. I need to stop worrying about what the rest of the damn world wants. Who lives my life anyway?! Who is it that truly is invested in what I want? ME that’s who! I wish I didn’t have to work at being selfish like some other people in this world but alas I do and in the end maybe that will make my passage elsewhere easier. Anyway, doing anything starts with a dream and what comes to fruition is all mental. Time to get back in the game and polish up where I”m at and where I want to go and get to the place I want to be. It’s all mental.