Why is it that when we look in the mirror, no matter how much improvement we make or how much weight we lose or how much toning we have accomplished that we always see what’s not done? I did it this morning and the minute it came out of my mouth I was pissed at myself! My husband came up behind me and put his hands on my waist and the first thing I said was “Honey, look I have handles”. He was like “What?” so immediately I backtracked and made a silly joke out of it, which thankfully he let slide and accepted but I didn’t. Why did I go right to what wasn’t perfect about my shape instead of just appreciating the moment? Why did I think he was grabbing the extra flab that isn’t really there around my waist when he truly wasn’t? How insecure of me. I have worked my ass off to get where I am at so why would I automatically point out flaws when my husband actually doesn’t see them? I know that he wasn’t just being nice because if he had actually been scoping out my fat, he would have retorted something about being older and it being harder to lose weight or some age excuse to make me feel better but he didn’t. He really was confused by my handle comment. His next response in conveying his confusion to my seemingly random and uncalled for statement was something along the lines of there being zero fat on me (actually not true as I have a slight gut in front and a little extra on my core below my ribcage pretty much all around my trunk). I only say that to point out that I am not, nor do I expect to be, a super model skinny tight bodied vixen or cougar as the older woman is referred to by society. I don’t want to be a 20 year old again and I am comfortable with where I am for the age I am at and for the time I can put in to stay in shape and keep my joints and mind lucid . At that moment, I really think I got too comfortable because the old Brenna showed up and took over for the first time in a long time. I hate her! She’s the one who has no confidence and is ashamed of herself not me. She’s the one I’m always running away from because the fact of the matter is that we’ll never be buddies ever again because she nearly killed me. Today was the first time she’s crept up on me and I definitely did not like it. I have come a long way. I am strong and beautiful and in the best shape of my life. I can run 13.1 miles, I eat really well and I have a positive attitude and a wonderful family. I have friends again that I feel I can be myself around without worrying about what I say and think all the time. I am proud of me and I like having a little extra to squeeze when I’m hugged. Being happy with yourself is part of what makes life great and I know it. So bye bye fat Brenna, don’t let the door hit you on the way out. You’re not allowed back in my life. I’m better off without you. Good Riddance!
July 11, 2017