Random Thoughts

What is it That We See?

Why is it that I never see what other people see?  When I look in the mirror I see someone who isn’t “fat” but is fatter than she used to be before she cared about anything physical or graduated High School.  Boy would I love to see 135 lbs again but I’m settling for 165 at the moment.  165 looks ok on me, not perfect, but acceptable.

Female mirror on color background

When I look in the mirror I see some abdominal definition that stops at the speed bump just below my belly button.  I see an imperfect lower ab that honestly I’m just too effing lazy to make disappear.  I have a hard time with a pinch in my ass and pain in my lower back when I crunch even on my exercise ball so I don’t put that much into anything south of what used to be a perfect navel.  Seriously it used to be perfect!  I don’t care THAT much. I just want to not look like the fat lady in the grocery store or the fat mother who squishes when you hug her.  When I look in the mirror I am reminded about all the work I have left to do and begin the diatribe in my head about working harder.  I’m pretty much the meanest person on the planet to myself but I don’t go all rogue or anorexic or starve myself or anything.  Just some tough love.  So when I look in the mirror I’m motivated to do better every day to the thigh gap I’m never going to attain but like to think I will.  Last night I was changing into my pajamas and my husband said “what’s up musclular”.  I felt like turning around to see who he was talking to but I knew it was me.  Muscular?  What’s he looking at?  His eyes must be worse than I thought because that isn’t what I see when I look at myself in the mirror.  Why don’t I see what he sees?

Probably because I don’t want to get complacent and fat again.  Inside I smiled a big ol’ school girl grin and simply said “it’s working”.  He tells me I have steel plates for thigh muscles, not quite that true but not the marshmallow mush I see.  He says I’ve never been this “tight” in the 30 years that he’s known me but I see the rolling hills of North Dakota staring back at me.  Of course they’re not the mountains of Colorado but somewhere in between.  Just what is it that we see when we look in the mirror?  Why is it so different and is that a bad thing?  I think a little of that is ok.  I don’t have a hugely warped sense of self, just a very honest and clear view which admittedly might be wound a little too tight.  Better tight than loose!  So we keep working to improve the person staring back from the mirror.  We strive to be better and tighter and fitter so we live a little longer.  It gives me something to always work on and I do love me a good project for sure!



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