As I run today on the ice slick road my mind is meandering. I’m first and foremost thinking about not falling on my ass on this ice, I should probably have rode my stationary bike or maybe have gone to the gym. I haven’t run on the road in a week and I’m missing it. The salt truck had just gone by my house so I knew it was probably icy. I went anyway figuring I’d run in the path of the salt which is what I did where I could. So along on my cold icy journey I went. My mind wanders as it always does. I think about the wrestling tournament I will attend for three days this week. I think about all the things I need to do since it’s Christmas Eve. I think about the food I’ll prepare and the things that need to get done. It’ll all get done. It always does.
As I run I think about my daughter and how I don’t know what to do to help her. She’s in the “I’ve gained weight, It hurts to workout, I am sad about my weight gain” funk. Part of her problem is that she refuses to work through pain. Part of her problem is that she keeps eating shit and wondering why she’s putting on weight. She isn’t in a good place. Last Christmas she was still here and I ran out and bought larger clothes for her because I felt that she was on the edge of something bad. Now I look back and that is not what I need to do. I’ve offered to workout with her whenever she has time but we always end up at the same conversation. “Mom, I have to work and study and I’m too tired to workout”. I want to help her I just haven’t figured out how yet.
As I run I think about how happy I am that my son John is home for 4 weeks. I am always so happy when we are all together.
As I run I think about the shower I can’t wait to take. I took one on Friday night but now its Sunday and I’m feeling a little oogie.
As I run I think about what I’ll wear to our family gathering with the people who we don’t see very often. I think about all the bullshit “we have to get together more often” comments that are such crap. I resent them for reasons that the good Lord above would admonish me for. What can I say, I’m not perfect. What will I wear to the gathering that I’d rather not be at for which I feel bullied into going to because “we have to make time for family…. we shouldn’t let so much time go by…. blah blah. I live with a family who doesn’t even try so I should appreciate when we get invitations. I don’t know what my issue is because I choose not to participate in this side of the family…or any for that matter. I am resentful but don’t try. This is mostly by my choice that we are loners and my husband is like most. If wifey poo doesn’t make plans we don’t do them. Maybe that will be my personal new years resolution. Yeah, we’ll see. Anyway, we go because my husbands Grandmother has had a rough year and if it’s her last Christmas or last good one, I would feel badly if we didn’t make this effort.
As I run I think about the coffee I want to have when I get back. My reward for putting up the miles and getting it done. Just 3 but three is more than zero and a 9:54 avg pace on ice is better than no pace sitting on my ass at home.
As I run I think about my other son James and how awesome I think he is. My gentle giant that makes my heart smile who has the biggest heart and warmest bear hug. He’s my little buddy and I think about how I am dreading if he leaves for college somewhere far away. He is the last but he’s the one I’ll be the saddest to see spread his wings. I feel lonely already. What do you do when your three everythings leave for their own lives? Do I run more? It seems to be what I do when I’m in distress. Run more and more and more. It’s how I work life out.
So as I run I thnk about my life and I give thanks to God for it all, good and bad and sad and all the inbetween. I am a lucky lady.