Random Thoughts

My New Normal

I’m going to lose my shit, I just am.  I’m trying hard to be a “big girl” but honestly it’s just not working!  My Wingman and my youngest child James, is graduating High School in a few weeks.  Here come the tears.  Raynwater wraps up for the last time on Saturday, then James earns his Eagle Scout rank, then it’s prom and  then graduation.  This is the last time for all of those things!  OMG it’s over in as much as it’s a beginning and I’m beginning to get choked up everywhere I go.  During runs, in the car, sitting here typing, in the shower, it doesn’t matter where.  I feel like I want one more year, just one!  I want to scream like Ren at the train for life to slow down because I can’t keep up and part of me just doesn’t want to.  I think of what’s to come and I worry that it will be entirely too empty.  What now?  Yesterday I went to James All Scholastic Awards where he was honored for Wrestling and got to meet Jerod Mayo the former New England Patriots linebacker who gave an unbelievable speech to the kids.

We’ve started on the first of the lasts and I am feeling sad.  Last Raynwater show, next it’s his Eagle Scout pinning then it’s his last prom and then he graduates from High School.  I wish I were a stronger person but I am not.  I feel as though I’m on a train racing to lonliness and I really don’t want to live there.  If I could keep my kids here forever I really would but sadly I can’t and wouldn’t ever rob them of their moments and their time.  The quiet of my house is worse than any horror movie I’ve ever seen and it’s getting louder every day.  The up side to my fear of being alone / not needed is that I see things in my kids that tell me it will be ok.  Hearing and seeing them is like taking an ibuprofen for a headache….it makes it go away and I’m ok.  Watching James do all these things makes me so proud.  He’s found himself and is on his way to his life in his way and on his terms.  Amazing!

So as I feel sad I feel happy.  These feelings driven by this fear is necessary and needed in my life.  It’s good to learn to cope with change. It’s good to fear and overcome.  It’s good to find happiness and joy in sadness.  it’ helps us grow and makes us stronger and better people.  It makes me run faster actually LOL.  I will be fine once it’s all over and I’ve adjusted to the new normal.  What will I do with myself?  What will I do with my new relationship oppty with my husband?  What things can I now do for me that I couldn’t before?  These are exciting questions that I will begin exploring in my new normal.  It’s kind of exciting.



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