Once they get their hands on you they make like you’re a pin cushion. I went to the Dr’s because of my little chest pain incident because they insisted on it. They hooked me up to an EKG which took longer to set up than to do the test itself. The doctor did not like the time between functions of each of the four sections of my heart. Now I have to go for a cardiac consult and an abdominal ultrasound to look at my hernia and gall bladder to determine if either one is the cause of this weird thing that’s happened only 3 times now in like 10 years. The cardiac consult will determine if I need a monitor for 48 hours or for 30 days. I’d rather 48 hours because if I show up at my mothers house all strapped up it will be chaos for nothing. I don’t think even a 30 day monitor is going to be any good since it’s like 3 years between incidents. I feel like at the end of all this testing that they are going to just say “well we don’t know what the issue is so call us if it happens again.” All this time off work to go for testing will be for nothing too. So what did I do Friday after she laid all this on me? Went for a 3 mile run keeping my splits between 9:45 and 9:55. See! I’m fine and it’s nothing but one of those unexplainable things in life like why the wind sometimes abruptly changes directions or something like that. It’ll probably remain a mystery that I’ll die without an answer for. I eat healthy, exercise regularly, get plenty of rest, drink lots of water and am in pretty good health for an almost 49 year old. I’ll be surprised if anything comes of all of this but here’s to hoping someone sees something that will put the questions and worry in everyone’s heads to rest. Till I find out either way, I’m running and working out as always.
Tonight I should be working on Abs but I’m not. I’m not because I’m aprehensive to do so. Why am I aprehensive? I’ll tell you. About 10 years ago I was using our Ab-Doer fitness device and I believe I injured myself. I did a very vigorous ab workout on this piece of equipment that night and immediately afterwards I broke out in a profuse sweat. I got terrible chest pain across the front of my shoulders and down my arms and it clearly felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I thought I was having a heart attack but when it subsided after 20 or 30 minutes I passed it off as too hard of a workout. It didn’t happen again until a few years ago and I forget what triggered it. I don’t think it was a workout but I don’t remember for sure. The same symptoms and pain and timeframe ensued and then I was fine just like the initial incident. Today I was standing in my bathroom and leaned to the right to take something out of the linen closet and it happened again. Pain, sweating and 20 minutes of waiting for it to end. My daughter saw me and asked if I was alright. I assured her that I was and that it would go away in about 10 minutes. She told me that if it wasn’t gone in an hour she was taking me to the hospital. I wasn’t worried enough to believe it would be that long but I did text my bosses to let them know I would most likely be late because of the issue. As I expected, it subsided in around 20 minutes and off to work I went. Well, as it turns out my daughter who goes to college where my husband works happen to run into him and proceeded to tell him that I had an issue earlier. He reached out to me and proceeded to corral me to a decision that I probably should have made anyway since this is not the first time I have had this issue. He told me that he knows lots of people, all of which in fact have diaphragms and none of which have ever had or heard of this issue before. When I told him what i thought it stemmed from he asked how I was sure it was that. Now I’m not sure it is but there can’t be any other answer. I believe I tore or strained my diaphragm that night so long ago but the fact that it only happens occasionally and not during workouts is puzzling to me. Now many things in life are puzzling even though the when and how seem so easy to understand. Anyway, my husband insisted that I discuss it with my doctor when I go back to talk to her about my thyroid levels which are another long time issue that unlike this one have not been just my thing to deal with. I was on Levothyroxin for a while but I don’t like being on medication unless I have to so we’ll decide what to do in June when I talk to her. I felt guilty blowing it off so I called the doctor to add the issue I had today to the other issue we would be talking about in June and the nurse put me on hold. She came back and told me that June was too long to wait on this and that the doctor wanted to see me this week. So now I have an appt in a few days to explore what the issue is. I know it’s not my heart so that’s good and it most likely is nothing that is dangerous enough to kill me by any stretch. Could it be something that needs surgery? Sure. I did what everyone does when the doctor wants to see you and I googled it. I stopped that right quick because you know how that goes right? All of a sudden you’re dying and your imagination is running away with you. We’ll see what she says Friday. We’ll also have to probably address the hernia I acquired when my kids were born which is just above my belly button. It’s this little knob but who knows whether or not it’s related. I’m not even positive that I got it when the kids were born. Maybe i just think that’s when it showed up but it really showed up as a result of the initial injury. It’s all melting together into a big mystery to be solved.
So there you have it, my real reason for not doing abs tonight. I am nervous to aggrivate the problem so close to an “incident” so I’m taking a day off and maybe two or three until the doctor sees me. I’m going to behave because my daughter is nervous and my husband thinks I need to take care of it. My reason is that what if its something that needs to be taken care of before it gets worse. What if i didn’t make the appointment and something bad happened. How would I feel then? I’d feel like a shit that’s what so I’m doing the right thing because if it were my family I would be insisting they go see the doctor too. You have to take care of you so running and biking it is this week until the good doctor gives me an answer. Till then….
I hate fat Brenna. Since this effing winter set in I havev cut back on the two-fer workouts that I was doing, started picking when I’m cooking, eating large calorie snacks and not just one snack….like 3! It’s no big deal I tell myself but my waist tells me it’s a big deal. My scale confirms that I’m slowing down and fat Brenna is closing the gap. No Bueno! It was no Bueno when I was down to 150 lbs and still losing while running and running and running. That’s as dangerous as slowing all that shit down. Where the fuck is my happy medium??!! I feel like success is found ing the extremes but it’s unhealthy success. So today I feel like I had a much better success in eating. Bowl of Rasin Bran for breakfast and I didn’t drink all the milk. Break was a bunch of granola which isn’t super awesome but I didn’t have it with yogurt, a banana and maybe another snack so that’s a breakthrough. no other snacks. I got home and did 50 minutes of light core exercise then 34 minutes of light bike riding on the stationary. Now what to make for dinner….. hmmm I could eat leftover chicken and make stir fry…too much work. Now I’m leaning to another bowl of cereal merely out of convenience. Why doesn’t anyone ever cook anything for me? So the container of steel cut oats that I bought for overnight oats practically threw themselves at me. OH! What a good idea that sounded like so I split the liquid between water and milk and added vanilla (smart right?) and I did cook two servings but that’s only a cup… who the hell can survive the night on a half a cup of steel cut cooked oats anyway? So blah! So what can I do to make this better? Well first this apple propositioned me to be the fun in my dinner. Ok, that sounds good. Then what goes with apples I ask? Why Cinnamon and a packet of splenda of course! Now that hit the spot and maybe it will hit the spot in the morning too. So day 1 of new eating habits seemed to be a success. One day at a time. Next I need to look at my weight training and see where improvements can be made. I might have to resort to Youtube to find something fun and fast that makes me sweat my ass off. I’m a big fan of non sweating light weight many reps kind of stuff. I don’t want to build muscle just tone. I’m going to have to do different stuff to whip it into shape I think. Time to roll up the sleeves and punch fat Brenna right in the mouth and extend the gap again! I’m going to…..
There’s just something about running that makes you feel amazing. It’s like putting on Iron Man’s suit and taking on the bad guys! It doesn’t matter the day or time. It doesn’t matter what day of the week either, it just gives me this crazy powerful feeling when I run. Now truth be told, it does matter if you just ate or what time of the day only matters if it’s after work because all that food and sitting has built up so it’s harder but it still feels awesome. It matters if you’re sick or tired or sick and tired. It matters if you’re doing something hard like stupid hills. Yes, there are a lot of things that do matter and effect the overall mental success of a run but in general running makes me happy and strong. Maybe I have just missed running a lot lately. The winter this year sucked! I couldn’t get outside to run much at all outside the few times I went out in the freezing cold. I wasn’t a fan of the cold running this year for whatever reason. I also didn’t always get to the gym. My core workouts dropped significantly making any outside running I was able to get in, extra hard. It was super cold and gross out and overall I am happy to be on the downside of winter. When I finish an outside run I feel a little invincible like some bad ass but not really like Zena warrior princess /Lara Croft Tomb Raider combo. Being a whole lot less girlie than most women, I would rather say I feel like a combination between Kaulder the last Witch Hunter (yep I did like that movie as corny as it was) and Jack Reacher who is just an awesome bad ass…. maybe throw a little Jason “I refuse to die” Bourne in there for good measure. What can I say, I’ve never been a powder puff girl. S0me days when I finish a run I feel like there should be bad ass music playing letting everyone know that I have completed yet another amazing task that no other mortal being in my relative vacinity has dared to attempt. I feel like Thor looking around for someone….anyone like “hey Bitch, that’s right! ‘m a runner” Now this of course is a far cry from the sweaty aching out-of-breath and sometimes hamstring throbbing body that shows up in my driveway but hey a girl can use her imagination can’t she!? I realize that my meager 3 mile average these days is minute in the grand scheme of accomplishments but I don’t care. They are my 3 miles and I”m proud of every one!
How does running make you feel and which superhero action character would you choose to represent you when you run?
Not motivated tonight. I took yesterday off and now I guess I’m also taking tonight off. I didn’t intend to really but that’s what’s happened. I left work and stopped at the grocery store to get the ingredients to make fruit pizza for a party that I can’t even attend. Went home and made dinner, ate dinner and cleaned up after dinner. As I actually got up to possibly head to my stationary bike I saw the fruit pizza stuff and started that. I made the crust and while that cooked I cut the fruit up. When the crust came out I had to wait for it to cool. The longer I waited the less I wanted to pay a visit to my bike. Then I realized that I shouldn’t put the fruit pizza together tonight or it will be soggy tomorrow from the fruit dip on the cookie crust. Ok, wrap up the fruit and put it in the fridge and cover the giant cookie crust until tomorrow. Now here I sit writing and I am thinking about popcorn. Oh how I want popcorn but no workout means my fat ass can eat something healthier. Protein. That’s what I’ll do in lieu of working out. I’ll sit here and eat and write. So not motivated to do anything and that’s ok but very dangerous if it happens more than occasionally. I should go work out but I’m not and that’s that. I’ll run tomorrow morning when it’s not raining and cold out. Sunny and 45 sounds way better than the stationary bike anyway doesn’t it? Fuck it! I’m going to bed. Goodbye Bad Attitude Friday!
On Friday, James wrestled his last match. He lost both but was wrestling hurt. He got hurt a lot in this last month and part of him was mentally done with it all. All of it is now nothing but a memory and when it was over he felt it and I felt it too. You can’t really say the right words to console someone as the impact and emotion of the end of something important to them ends. You can say the right words but the moment needs to happen and you have to let it pass. I hugged my sweaty beautiful son with a ball in my throat because I was sad it was over too. I was sad that I would never see him step on the mat again. As I hugged him he said “Thanks for always being my cheerleader” but I thought to myself, James, the real cheerleader in my heart is you! He’s always encouraging me and telling me I can do stuff and always is proud of whatever I do. He’s especially wonderful when I’m running. Yesterday I went for a run with my son. So slow was I. 10:30 slow and in some places slower because we walked. It was just a bad day to run as it is every month during this time. Slow, heavy legs and an attitude that struggles to stay positive. I finished and it didn’t matter the time because neither one of us cared that it was slow. He was so quick compared to me because he’s been doing stairs for wrestling all season so he’s not winded. He was trotting along cheering me the enire way, my Wingman James. “come on mama!” he shouts. “we’re almost there mama!”. the entire way. He was a good running buddy for me, he always is. He’s a good sport and he doesn’t quit. He’s human and gets tired and isn’t afraid to feel tired if he is. My kind of partner over someone who pretends like nothing bothers them. With wrestling season over, he knows that now as he ends his high school days where he’s always busy and active that he needs to do something to proactively keep moving. It’s not the first time he’s willingly run with me. Most times it’s on his bike but yesterday it was running. He pushed me along as I struggled and he didn’t seem to even be winded, probably because that pace is like walking LOL. He didn’t complain. He never complains when we’re out. The truth is that HE’s MY cheerleader! He makes me push harder, believes in me when I’m struggling, fills me with laughter when I need it on the road and in life. His hugs squeeze hard times right out of you and he’s just fun to be with. Let fishing begin!
What an amazing ride it has been buddy! Thank you for taking me along on this special and emotionally driven ride through all of your accomplishments, success’, losses and all of it! Thank you for always telling me I can and for trying so hard that it makes me try hard too. You are always one of my greatest inspirations and my happiness.
WOW this turned out much longer than I thought but ok.
I have this problem of bitching about my life just to myself. Mostly about how my things don’t get finished. How other people think and the stupid things that they do and say that piss me off. I pretty much bitch to the lady in the mirror but because I like to think I’m a better person than the cranky old bitch that complains all the time. I try to SHOW positivity and happiness a lot of the time but I’ve lapsed in the last 8-ish years and have started “sharing” real feelings with people. I never ever did this prior to 2011. I kept everything to myself and put on the best happy face I could despite the fact that it wasn’t fooling as many people as I thought. Since 2011 I’ve gotten better at making me a priority and part of getting better mind, body and spirit is first of all having friends again. I dumped all my friends in 2011 and solo’d a very treacherous and dangerous road all by myself. I wanted no input from anyone so that the decisions I was making were strictly mine without influence from people that might sway me to irrational or rash decisions. I needed the outcome to be strictly what I needed it to be and for that to happen I needed to be alone. Now I feel slightly different at this juncture because friends can be good sounding boards and the really good ones listen just so you will feel better but I didn’t realize that then. So friends have helped me build myself back up. Anyway, sharing with people is new for me and feels a little like some dishonest act because when you spend so long NOT sharing and keeping everything close to the vest it’s a little weird. So now that I have done some adjusting, (I’m always adjusting me now) I find that I bitch to myself about stuff that bothers me. The latest irritation was a text that I got from someone telling me basically that their child didn’t want to help out by giving my son a ride home from a practice that the coach called in another town for the entire week. With no reliable ride of his own and the promise from the coach that rides would be available my son is pretty much reliant on the promise that rides will be available. I guess he should have just ridden home with the one person that treats him poorly instead of asking his teammates for a ride thinking they wouldn’t mind. I can’t count the number of times we have driven kids home who didn’t have rides and gone a half hour out of our way because it was the right thing, nice thing to do. Other than inconvenience his parents who really can’t just leave work to go get him, my child doesn’t have an option but to subject himself to the person who is probably the worst supporter on the planet. Whatever! It’s a ride and the whole “TEAM” thing is over in 2 days forever anyway. It just pisses me off that this person would reach out and say that the extra driving past their house to drop my son off was just too much trouble for a couple of days. GRRRR! Well, that is where my head was the last 24 hours.
ANYWAY, I do try not to let these things that bother me come out beyond my bathroom mirror. I always ask God for patience with these things because it feels terrible letting them eat at me and I don’t like being upset. So today I came in to work and in one of the kitchens found this:
This is a box of Chocolates. First of all, all I can think about is stupid Forrest Gump and his “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” quote. This is just so true!
Secondly, my Grandmother who is gone many years now used to love Skinners chocolates. As I was reminded of her I also thought of her life as plain and simple as it was and always the same. She lived in a converted chicken coup that my Grandfather built up to a home. it was built with plywood not drywall, the piping was rudimentary copper pipes that didn’t deliver much water in the shower, the laundry was done in the bathroom where the supplies and the toilet were also located. There were cobwebs everywhere there and the floor was vinyl linoleum that was peeling in places. The second floor was just an open entry to what was an attic converted to two bedrooms and an actual attic space with a door for their 5 daughters to share growing up. The rugs covered a drafty floor and the doors didn’t all fit tight in their frames but it was home to her and she never complained. I think of her and feel badly that all the unfinished projects at my house bother me. My husband is one person with two hands a full plate, two jobs and a wife with a Masters degree making wages that don’t live up to her earned education. Do I pitch in and try to do some of these projects myself? Nope I’d rather just sit and bitch that they aren’t done. Funny how a simple box of chocolates can change your perspective on things in general. I like learning moments like this because they right my head and center my mind back on the things that do / do not need negative attention. Will selfish people still bug me? Yes but today I just choose to blow it off and say we’ll find another way. Will my unfinished house still bother me? Yes but I could choose something simple and make that one thing better. It’s all in how you look at things that matters.