You know, I realize that I am by the standards of the world, overweight. The doctors would say that my 5′ 4″ frame at 171 lbs is obese actually. I think all that is BS and I choose to think of it as carrying 20 extra lbs that could and probably should be shed. Hence therein lies my summer goal. Losing 10-20 lbs before the Falmouth Road Race. Now I found a really cool app called Pacer thank you to my co-worker. It auto syncs with my health app on my phone, which by the effing way, auto calculates how far I’ve walked in a day! This is good! I’ve set goals that I’m not off to a remarkably good start at but I’m motivated to progress which is progress in itself. I want to run more and will now that I’m training. It’s just a 7 miler so not much actual “Training” is needed but just the same, I’m in TRAINING. I want to eat better meaning no milk, bread, no sugar, no dry creamer in my coffee in the morning are the sacrifices. Starting this on a holiday weekend was not a good idea. I’ve broken all of it in moderation because that’s how I got fat in the first place, eating everything I wanted to in “moderation” instead of an actual serving size. No sugar, yeah well a half a cupcake and a bunch of Hot Tamale’s in one day killed that. I did well today by not eating life savers all day to control my sugar craving. 4 Keurig containers of Hot Chocolate did nothing for my success either but hey, I didn’t have a second cup of coffee with dry creamer. Is that an even swap? I don’t think so. Missing break is actually helpful because at break we just eat. I mean like 4 snacks at a sitting eating. Holy shit I think I eat snacks for the day in my morning break, so that has to go or change. Eating the same grams in protein as my current body weight seems more challenging than I would like and includes having to log all my food again to see where I’m at. It’s a LOT of protein! I’m struggling there but I’ll figure it out. Increase my water intake without adding Crystal Light has been ok not great, but easily doable. All of this is doable. I started a fitness challenge two weeks ago that didn’t get off on the right start. First I started 6 of them AT THE SAME TIME! not a good idea. So we cut that down to 2 and although I am not really following the on / off schedule of the 30 day challenge, I’m on track with both of them to keep going. I can deal with that. I’m running more because now that the weather is nice I can get outside. I could get outside before but I refuse to go be cold and not every day can I head out and hit the gym.
All of these efforts are coming along except one…. The amount of food I’m eating and the absolute compulsion to finish food on my plate. I didn’t realize it until tonight that I am not only serving myself for two, I’m consuming it all because it’s there….BECAUSE IT’S THERE!!! (Yeah, that guy over there is pretty much me eating anything) Are you kidding me? As I sat eating that delicious and not so good for me Chicken Parm dinner up there (with no-no bread of course) I realized something as I got up to wrap it up. I wanted to put something in my stomach to work out on so I put a modest portion on my plate and yes I took a bun. I thought that I’ll eat half now and finish eating it when I complete my workouts. I felt actual anxiety in the pit of my stomach wrapping up my plate with food still on it! What the hell is that all about? literal butterflies like I would never see that food again. WOW…just wow! Fatter people than me have that problem not me. Well girlie look in the mirror and you’ll see one of those heavier people looking back. Now she isn’t “Fat Brenna” but that girl looking back at you every morning is someone who has a serious compulsion to eat. When you wake up thinking about what is for breakfast, lunch and dinner TOMORROW, you have to get a grip on how you think of food and change it’s meaning. You also need to eat slower and drink water with your food so you take up some of that room and help your food expand in your stomach. Eating slower means feeling fuller closer to the calories that you should stop at. Now that my plate is in the fridge and I’m digested enough to head down for some core work I’m fine. No food twitches going on.
Here are my real objectives for the summer:
- Eat better portions of better food and eat it slower.
- increase water intake
- one snack at snacktime
- small healthy snacks throughout the day
- as much protein up to my current body weight as I can
- as many two a days as I can get in during the week following the goals I set in my new app.
I’ll keep you posted.
I have already set my 2018 fitness schedule through March. I have a half marathon on the books for March so my plan goes to there. I have set a weight goal that I would like to hit either by my half or by my birthday in May. Seventeen pounds that I want to shed is a little harder now that I’m older and doing some weight training to tone. I seem to hover around 165 these days which in my pants feels great but my eyes are still from the old school that start the name calling when I look in the mirror and still see cellulite on my legs and ass that make me wonder if I’ll ever get rid of that. Better happy and healthy and hovering at a healthy heavier weight than to be deeply depressed and either 200 lbs or 150 heading to very bad places. That was my swing not long ago. I’ve pretty much made peace with my current weight but I fight old demons that lurk in the mirror every day.
I have a meal plan of sorts in my head for this year one month at a time. ( THIS IS NOT ME BTW but I’d like it to be LOL!)
When I say meal plan I mean less sweets, more protein and less snacking. I want to up my effort in the weight training arena to really put in a full body effort with more focus on toning to try to cut just a little more body fat. My husband keeps saying I’m tight but when you’re feeling my ribs, OF COURSE, I’m tight. Not much fat there at all. LOL. I don’t really argue with him because it makes me feel good that that is the picture he sees of me and not the one I see in the mirror. I am going to try overnight oats this coming year to see if I can stomach them. They look awesome but something about oats that sat overnight kind of boges me out.
In terms of running, I don’t think this year will be as full as last year. I believe I’ll fall somewhere between 3-4 races not the 7 I did this year. One for me, one with my friend and one with my Bad Ass B’s for sure. Maybe one other but I would like to focus on strength training this year more than running to see what I have in me and how “tight” I can actually make this old body. I want to be amazing at 50 which is my 2019 birthday number. One reason I want to take it easy on the running THIS year is because I want to run a full marathon next year for my 50th. That goal scares the shit out of me because it’s bigger than I’ve ever attempted. It’s overwhelmingly ginormous and intimidating but it’s on my mind. I think even if I DNF (WHICH I HAVE NEVER EVER DONE BTW) I will have attempted what in my mind is the coo de ta of races. Can I do it? I do believe I can and I want to push myself to see if I can. So this year I’ll focus on strength to prepare for the BIG ONE next year. Get ready B’s because I’m going to need you there when I make that attempt. I’ll need my girls to help me get there and to be at the finish line with hopefully one or all of my kids cheering me to the finish. It will be a year of preparation and focus one month at a time. Watch out 2019 because this girl is coming for you with a vengeance. This girl is going to be ready when you arrive!
Here’s to the next 367 days until 2019 gets here!
So these days I look forward to runs because I’m not in training. I can run whatever I want and mostly I choose to run 3 miles because it’s fast, easy and enough to make me feel like I did something. Today it was 25 degrees so I layered up probably just shy of too many layers but it was ok. I headed out knowing they were running the Frosty Half Marathon which goes right past the end of my neighborhood on two sides. I wasn’t sure I’d see the beginning or any runners at all since it was past 8 o’clock. When I got to the end of my street one of the race volunteers laughed and told me to join the race and run in the other direction. I giggled and told her I would be first….yeah for about 5 minutes until they caught up to me! So down the road I go and there are cop cars with their lights on which tells me they haven’t started yet. BONUS! I’ll see the beginning of the race and maybe i’ll stop to cheer. When I see the first runner I decide I’m not stopping to cheer…. I”m running right through the crowd of runners cheering and hollering and giving high 5’s to everyone and that is exactly what I did! It was so much fun! Everyone smiled and gave me a high 5 back and I like to think I helped start their race off on the right foot. The penalty for screaming and running and high fiving is that I lost my breath control for most of the rest of the way home, but it was worth it! I wish I had my Frosty Half hat on today because then it would have at least told them that I was a fellow Frosty alum but no one cares anyway so it’s all good fun. I can’t help myself when it comes to being excited and animated. I’m not very grown up for my age but I wouldn’t change a thing. My son tells me that I need to tone it down at his wrestling matches too. I’m not real good at being quiet but why should I be? I’m animated and loud and sarcastic and funny and that’s what I like best about me. I’ve passed the time where I care what people think of me. I’m past trying to make other people happy all the time. I’ve learned to love life, people and the moments in life, like today, that become something you hold on to. If you get the chance, run through a pack of runners in a race cheering. It’s a refreshing and somewhat exhilarating experience that shakes out the ordinary in a day.
I had the usual disagreement with myself this morning that I have every off season. My brain said do more and go for 5-6 miles but I interrupted myself and reminded me that it’s off season. Off season is meant for rest from mostly running and more of stuff like my bike and swimming and weight training. I wanted to keep one day where my miles are up but what heppens when I don’t? Nothing, that’s what. I’ve had a week away from VT and that hellacious hill and still my legs are flipping me off when I head out on the most flat 3 mile course comparedly. My legs are pissed at me! As I headed out to beat the rain that’s coming in I just kept telling myself that 3 was good and the standard 3 miles is what it’s pretty much what my runs are going to be for at least a couple of weeks. It’s funny how during training I complain about the long runs and sometimes even dread them and when I have the opportunity to keep it light, I’m arguing with myself about keeping it low because all I want to do is put up some digits. It seems as though I’m never happy. I never want to rest, sit still or keep it light. When I do I’m beating myself up to try harder and not get lazy and I’m always pushing myself. In a way I do like being my own motivator. Mike & Mike actually talked about that today detailing how some players in the NFL think it’s the coaches job to motivate them. I couldn’t disagree more. I think when a player / runner / athlete needs it, that a “coach” should step in and give them a pep talk but for the most part, that player /runner /athlete’s job is to motivate themselves. I never look to anyone to motivate me except the old me. The fat lazy depressed person who tried to take my cookies and make me quit. The girl that’s always behind me as a reminder from where I came and where I do NOT want to go back to. Whatever makes you go is fine. You should be self motivated and never being happy with where you’re at is ok as long as you aren’t doing so much that you make yourself sick or injure yourself. I may never be happy but I belive I have the right mix for me to keep striving for more. Be the best me I can be and enjoy it along the way until the day where I decide that it’s time to stop, if I get to that point. I may never be perfectly satisfied & happy with what I’m doing, but I’m happy where I am. The point it that I’m happy never being happy because being unhappy with where I’m at is what motivates me to do more, be more, strive for more and THAT makes me very happy!
Last night I laid out my running gear for a run this morning. I got my cold weather gear out, and had it in my head that I would do my usual 3 mile, 5am run. When my alarm went off and I pulled up my weather app, it wasn’t quite the 31 degrees that I had anticipated. It was 25 degrees outside which isn’t far off from 31 but 6 degrees is 6 degrees when you’re warm and cuddly in your bed. So I was already working through my other options for working out today like A) running at lunch which would be at 51 degrees which is much more tolerable to me today. B) I also thought about riding my stationary bike which meant I would stay inside and stay warm. C) I also thought about possibly not working out today and if that happens I’m ok with it. I am opting for option B which means utilizing my free time differently, but giving up sitting around reading the same old gossip magazines or going out and possibly spending money that I shouldn’t is a good trade. You see, I don’t have to, no one is counting on me to do so, so it ain’t gonna happen today at 25 degrees! I’ll make it up and I do feel a little lazy at the moment but it’ll get done when I’ll be more comfortable and when my nose won’t stick together when I breathe. When it’s so cold out that I might have to cover my face so I don’t catch PEE-NEW-MONIA I instantly begin my work around solution. It’s funny because I really don’t mind running in the cold but I think I’m not quite adjusted to winter yet. You know that brief time between Fall and Winter when it starts to get cold but isn’t truly freezing but you’d swear it was an ice age….yeah that’s where I am right now! So I didn’t go out running….I ate my pancakes and eggs anyway….. and I will get my butt out there today….just later when it’s warmer and I’ll be happier! Some days it’s all about the compromise and that’s ok as long as you do in fact make it up on the other end.
God, lately I feel like a new runner. Sunday’s race left me struggling in my head with why I felt like the race was such a challenge. In my head I knew I was ready but the rest of me didn’t feel quite as confident. I hate dwelling on the what if’s but what if’s are different than circumstances that change the outcome of something if you grasp my meaning. Let’s see…. I haven’t done a good core workout in weeks. Shame on me but that would definitely have something to do with it feeling more challenging. I’m a week out from the monthly burden which means water retention, bloating, heavy legs which won’t get better until AFTER VT. Great! I think I need new sneakers because the backs of my legs were killing me. I went back and YES I do need them. I bought them in June…JUNE!!!!!! What the hell! I am usually more on my gear game. So I’ve messaged my niece to see if she can look for my shoes and head up there at lunch to get a replacement pair. Not smart but fixable. The hills are always challenging but the thing that killed me was how quickly I stopped to walk. I’m usually more headstrong but the hills got in my head. I also was putting off peeing until I had to stop. I had no coffee before the race and I peed 3 times before the gun and even at that I still had to pee on the course. I put it off until I thought I was at the last port-o-potty and then I went. The whole run that took my mind off my race and just added to the overall feeling of unreadiness that I felt. I have also had to give up some workouts because of the show and being at the high school every night. Having workouts on the bookends of my day has been very helpful until this point but in the last 2 weeks it’s been limited to only one per day and most of those are running days. This is not the way I wanted to end my running year but all of it together added up to making me feel like a beginner which I’m not. Overall a good year, definitely lessons and changes to be made for next year.
So my last Half Marathon is now done. It was a very hilly race in cooler weather that bordered on raw by the end of the race. I was happy that the nasty rain held out pretty much until I was finished. Deep down inside I was a little disappointed that I had to walk a few times. Well, it was more like wanted to walk most of those times except for a few times getting up another hill. I hate it when I walk because it makes me feel so damn defeated but as I tell everyone I know, no one…I mean NO ONE in the world cares if you walk. There were lots of walkers yesterday and walkers in places where I didn’t really understand why they were walking at that very spot. I always feel a little like I don’t deserve the finishers medal when I walk. I know I still finished 13.1 miles but I didn’t run the entire thing and I certainly didn’t treat it like a race and push myself anywhere except to the finish line. I was disappointed but disappointments are only temporary. My wonderful son was waiting in the stinging cold rain for me with a giant bear hug at the finish line. That was my actual reward for running yesterday’s race. I always look for my kids if they come to the race because it’s like a huge surge of adrenaline that kicks in when I round the corner. I can’t wait to get to them and hug them. All I think about the last 2 miles is the kid who came to my race. So far that has only been James and it’s kind of nice to have him volunteer to come with me and sit around for 2+ hours while I run. My hips and knees and legs were not in the greatest shape when I finished. My right knee especially must have had some serious internal swelling because it was killing me. The backs of my legs ached especially on the long drive home 7 hours later from spending the post race day with my son John at URI. Driving was more and more awful as the hour home went on. I couldn’t wait to put my feet up for the night. I am disappointed that the new tights that I bought specifically for leg, joint and muscle support didn’t work. It could have been the hills and I suppose that today had I not worn them I could feel a whole lot worse, but yesterday I was disappointed in the $75 investment that didn’t make a difference when I needed it to. Live and learn I suppose. Maybe I need to do a long flat run to see how I feel but I feel like I shouldn’t have felt so bad after this race because I had my tights. Maybe I’m just old. Today I’m over it because disappointments are temporary as long as you use them to improve yourself and your situation. Overall yesterday was a success in that I finished and I’m proud of myself for finishing. I certainly am happy that I only have one more race to go next Sunday but I’m nervous because the hill I’m about to face is 10x any hill I took on yesterday and it’s 4 miles long straight up in the predicted cold weather. Only time will tell how it will go and only a good attitude will see me through. I’ve got at least one of those under control, the rest I’ll take as it comes. Bring on VT and the best race that I can do.