Progress is slow it’s as simple as that. As much as we would like to see results right away it just can’t happen that fast unless you’re Mama June and even that took time. I’ve been taking progress pictures of myself since November and some of them look like I’ve made good progress and others just don’t look different at all. Some days I wonder how I can do more. Other days I try to switch it up so I am doing some different things so my body is confused and doesn’t get complacent. Then there are days where I wonder why I do all that I do because let’s face it, I’m 48 and probably not turning too many heads any longer. I mean I look nice outside thanks to hair dye and makeup and staying fit. Clothes hide cellulite and sometimes bulges in bad spots so to see me with clothes on is sort of an unfair picture. I’m not complaining at all because I know how I feel and in fact still hear from people that are impressed with how I do look. It’s the bathroom mirror that bothers me and all the work that I do that isn’t doing enough that can sometimes be a downer. My answer to myself is if you want it, work harder. That really is the answer that I need to own if I want it bad enough. I want it but I’m not willing to really do a ton more than I am because I care about good health and feeling good, which I am in and do, over trying to look like someone that I’m not. Even with this realization and understanding I still have the days where I feel defeated. It doesn’t last long because I live with a child fighting the weight and good health battle. When I see her trying so hard right now I remember how far I’ve come and remind myself to appreciate where I’m at and do what I can to support her.
I wrote today’s blog because last night she said sort of jokingly that she wished she could see results in a week. Yeah, don’t we all! That would be great but as we all know, it takes 30 days for you to feel a difference, 60 days to see the difference and 90 days for your friends to see it. That fact is with a LOT of hard work, dedication and determination. It will happen but it just takes time. We have to be patient and do our due diligence to get there plain and simple. I have always believed that you have to want it bad enough to sacrifice all that you need to in order to get it. That is where I find that many people struggle because we have become a society of instant gratification and unwillingness to work hard for what we want. Where there’s a will there’s a way plain and simple, we just need to find it and get it done. Remember to use the 21 /90 rule to cement your commitment and to go from attempting it to in the habit of it to having a new lifestyle that changes your life!
How bad do you want your goals and what do you sacrifice to achieve them?
I finished the book “When Breath Becomes Air” last night which was written by Paul Kalanithi. Paul wrote this book because he found out he had terminal cancer and he wanted to document his journey as he faced his own mortality. He wrote his journey from brilliant Neurosurgeon to Cancer patient. Paul was quite interested in diving into looking death in the eyes and analyzing what death means and looking at it as a process instead of running away from it. It is an honest book that I don’t know as if I could have written in the midst of suffering from Cancer and watching myself wither from health to having people on my death watch just waiting for me to pass to move on. It’s a good read and something that will not leave my mind. You should read it. THIS Ted talk by Lucy Kalanithi is what prompted me to read the book.
I thought about Paul this morning as I headed out to run and I thought about Lucy his widow and Cady his infant daughter who most likely won’t remember her father except in the things her family and her mother share with her. I thought about my own life and thought about how I read and cried through this book and as my legs carried me over my three miles I confirmed with myself that if I face this same kind of decision in my life, I do NOT want to spend time chasing time if the outcome is sure to be finality. I would rather spend my time simply talking to my family, and running, having cookouts and creating memories and laughter than living in a hospital bed. Everyone dies we just don’t know when we’ll die or how. Why worry about it? Every day and moment should be lived to the best of our ability being the best people we can be don’t you think?
I run because I want to be more healthy. I want to be more healthy because I want to live as long of a life free from canes or adult diapers and medications as I can. I started off running to run away from life’s problems. I ran to save myself from deep dark places that the anti-depression commercials talk about. I ran not to look forward but to not look back. Things are much better now for me and I am probably the happiest I’ve ever been since getting married. I now appreciate meaning in life and the joys that my family brings me, especially my children as they head into adulthood. I now run to be able to have as many tomorrows as I can and to “experience” every day rather than just living every day. Lucy and Paul “experienced” life and looked at life in a really analytical way both in life and through and during death. Running saved me and has taught me to really appreciate and experience most everything. Running has become the glue that keeps me sane, lets me analyze things so I can better understand them more like Paul and Lucy do. Running lets me reflect on things that have happened and what my takeaways are a lot like Lucy and Paul did as they applied the lessons they were learning through their difficult journey through Paul’s illness.
It’s books like this that make me a better human who appreciates the important things in life over skimming through each day blindly, and it’s running that has allowed me to take all those moments and push them forward to tomorrow and the next days to come. Life, like running has good days and bad, joy and pain, frustrations and memories, positives and negatives. We should know what we want from both, have goals for both, give mindful thought to the moments and milestones that we experience during both.
Today is my last day here in VA. No running as my body and legs are tired from 5 days of straight running over hills. I need a rest and it will actually be two days since tomorrow I’ll be on the stupid train all day. As sad as it always makes me to leave, I look forward to going home. As I sit here I’m thinking about the things I’ll miss most it occurs to me just how many things I’ll miss.
- Morning coffee. Morning coffee is my favorite thing about VA as the first thing I do. At home I get up and the day starts, shopping or work it doesn’t matter, I jump right in. Here I sit and drink a cup of coffee which is best when enjoyed on the front porch when the weather cooperates. I guess you love the things you can’t do daily which is why they call it vacation. Morning coffee is what gets me out of bed before I miss it. I’ve always been an early riser which I wouldn’t change for anything. I love experiencing the morning quiet before the world gets up to call on me.
- The train. As much as I hate it, there’s a little charm about the stupid train that passes by several times a night. I’ll miss that in a weird sort of way.
- My Family. Leaving is always hard because I have to leave my family. My distance and length of time between visits enhances the small changes in my family that although nominal to their everyday lives is huge to me since I don’t see them everyday. My parents age and how they are slowing down. That makes me sad because I’m far away and my sister gets all that responsibility on her shoulders on top of her own life. That’s a lot to take on but I try to remember that they chose to come here and I don’t live here so it’s something we all just accept as the way it is because it is.
- My sister. I miss my sister. She isn’t physically well. She has many health issues that are a result of decisions she’s made in her life that are just consequences of her decisions. Everyone makes decisions that have consequences that we live with. I worry about her every day and fear that she too will fall into illness and I’ll be too far away to help. My choice to stay in MA. She has a much harder life than I do and is so much better of a person than me in many ways. We are very different and our distance magnifies our differences. I miss her strength and how she is as sarcastic as I am. She always makes me laugh and I admire the strength she has in making her life go and in taking care of my parents. She is one of the bravest people I know and fears nothing on this planet. She tackles things I would call my husband or a professional to do and never says “I can’t”. I love her can do attitude and love it when I hear her talk about doing things that amaze me like they are nothing at all.
- The air. I will miss the wonderful fresh air here. No smog, no pollution or exhaust smell from the highway.
- The vastly expansive rolling hills. Rolling green hills that go on for miles and miles are as peaceful and beautiful as anything I’ve ever seen. It’s what I see when I close my eyes and think about the next time I will be able to come here.
I will miss many things and those things are the things that always call to me the next time I book a seat on that train for the long ride down. I have enjoyed my visit here and am thankful that I can afford to continue to come down to visit while my parents are still here. I am a lucky woman in the best ways someone can be happy.
Day 4 in the backwoods of VA and it finally arrived. My threshold for when I start to miss my family. I love it here because it’s serene and beautiful and it’s the only time i will spend with my parents and sister perhaps for another year. Life is busy and I come as often as I can but it’s starting to feel like a lifetime between visits now that my dad is getting older. I knew it would eventually show up, tugging at my heart at some point making me homesick for the things that keep me busy, drive me crazy and helped prompt me to come down in the first place. I love my life and all the craziness it brings but sometimes I just want to get away from it so I can’t do it. So I have to do nothing but sit and reflect on it. Maybe it’s God’s way of giving me perspective and appreciation for those things so that I don’t become bitter or obsessive in a bad way. Maybe I needed a break, in fact I know I did. My son’s Eagle project is making me mad and I’m too involved. Time to step away Brenna. Maybe I came because my father has been diagnosed with the onset of Dementia and I want to spend some time with all his quirky annoying habits while he remembers me. Maybe I just miss my mother and my sister. Either way I’m here again and happy to be so. I’m enjoying it but home is now calling. Four days in and now I’m waking up in the middle of the night texting them that I miss them and lying awake wishing I could hug them. I especially miss my sons, James in particular because I can’t talk to him or text him so there’s just nothing there. He’s away with the Scouts and they aren’t allowed electronics during their trips so it’s like going cold turkey with him and I’m not a fan. I think about all of them on my peaceful runs every morning, hoping they have happy days and good experiences. I talk to my daughter and husband every day which is comforting. I started off thinking about my life during my morning runs on these quiet roads but now in just these few days it’s drifted to thoughts of my wonderful family and about how much I love and now miss each of them. Well, I suppose if I didn’t think about them or miss them that would be a different problem that would need solving. Perhaps I could work that out on the road too as I have worked so many things through out there. I feel like I can solve anything by just throwing my running shoes on and heading out for a nice long run. They weren’t kidding when they came up with the slogan that running is cheaper than therapy! The great road is wise and strong and comforting for me and as I have many times I will step out there seeking it’s solace to self medicate through running. As much as I like the peaceful roads of VA I will be happy to once again to be on the rural roads of Mass. I love running no matter where I am.
Today I am grateful for this…my sons in my house. My oldest is on my couch and my other son is sitting hanging out . Johnny started college in September and lives away and I miss him a lot. James i get to see every day and that is wonderful. I took this picture initially because I was so happy to be able to see them together all comfy on my couches but then it dawned on me that I should be grateful for another reason on this day. It occurred to me that my son is home. He didn’t enlist so he was never really away but as I enjoy him being home and my other son sitting next to him some mothers don’t get that today. Some miss their sons as they are away and some miss their babies who gave the ultimate sacrifice. I am so lucky and so grateful. As I sit here eating my banana and drinking my coffee with the ability to do whatever I want today, I say Thank You to all the veterans alive today and those passed on for sacrificing so I may sit here enjoying my sons and the semblance of my normalcy and happiness in a free world of this great nation. As I ran today I ran further than my normal 3 miles as a little sacrifice. It was only 4 so nothing amazing but it was hilly so it felt like a sacrifice I guess. I thought about those who couldn’t run today and ran for them. I thought about those who make my world free and ran in thanks and smiled knowing that I was going home to see my sons and that freedom doesn’t come cheap to others who provide it to me. I am the luckiest person in the world right now.
There’s something about being told that someone is proud of how hard you have been working and how good you look that just motivates you. It makes you feel that you have achieved success and is incredibly convincing in getting you to fire up the energy & will to keep going that may have been at a standstill or waning or just not big enough for the moments that we need them. As we age we fight demons that drag us down. Wrinkles, sagging skin, age spots, bags under our eyes, sickness, grey hair and other things. They play a mean mental game with us blocking our ability to believe that we are great “for where we are in life”. Sometimes we can’t get past what we see to the perspective that we need. When the wall is too high we can’t see what is behind it and sometimes we can’t even climb it. Sometimes it takes someone else to help us find our smile and our will to do the best we can and be the best that we can. It might be a spouse telling you that they are proud of you for working so hard and looking better. It might be a friend who tells you that you are attractive and don’t look your age. It might be someone who just tells you that you are still sexy. Maybe it’s your kids that don’t let you put yourself down or finding that outfit that makes you feel spectacular. Whatever it is, IT makes you happy and makes you want to keep doing whatever you have been doing to continue on your journey to wherever you are going.
You can’t always go it alone and take it from someone who tried most of her life to never need anything, or anyone it’s ok to need / let someone to pick you up once in a while.
I wonder if dropping your child off at college can be correlated to the likeness of getting used to running & life’s firsts? Is it like Mary Poppins sings “just a spoon full of sugar ….”? I think not. In fact I think that there is no amount of sugar that makes it better! It’s one of those things that you just have to adjust to. Let me explain what it’s like to drop your child off at college:
- The first time is horrible and you hope to never do it again! Like pushing your first baby out after they tell you how it’s too late for drugs and you look around for a plunger to get that kid out and put yourself out of misery because THEY aren’t doing enough to help you get OUT of pain (sadists!)
- The minute it’s over you think about how you made it through and feel like a champion. Yeah, that’s when you talk about baby 2 & 3 and how you really want lots of kids. Clearly not thinking anything through thoroughly and your brain is seemingly on effing vacation!
- You get happy when you think about the next time and you feel all warm and fuzzy and optimistic….WAIT FOR IT!
- That day comes and you ARE in fact happy and optimistic UNTIL it’s “go time” and you wonder what the HELL you were thinking trying to brave this again. This is about the time the profanity starts in between silent sobs under your sunglasses so no one can see that you’re not ok. Yeah, my cheeks sweat too ladies and gents but only when we drop Johnny off.
- So you masochistically brave it again and this time isn’t AS horrible…. but still horrible like road rash when you fall descending a hill (yeah, OUCHIE!)
- You wonder whether you need therapy for self inflicted pain syndrome but decide that it might be normal and decide to wait it out and see how it goes this time. Kind of like the people in the horror flicks that KNOW the killer is in that room but their curiosity just gets the best of them. Yeah sign me up!
- Anyway, you make it through and start to think that everything will be ok as you settle into what becomes your new normal.
Your new normal…. a bit abrasive to begin but instead of destroying you, it begins to improve you. As you improve so do those you surround yourself with including the child you feel like you abandoned because you become positive and positive replaces sad and skeptical. Happy replaces laying on the couch feeling like you are never going to feel happy again. The sun does come out and Life goes on. Life has just taken a sharp left turn onto this new road of improvement and you begin to feel like you’re stronger and better in many ways. Change always takes time and determination and adjustment. With Faith everything is always ok.