Not motivated tonight. I took yesterday off and now I guess I’m also taking tonight off. I didn’t intend to really but that’s what’s happened. I left work and stopped at the grocery store to get the ingredients to make fruit pizza for a party that I can’t even attend. Went home and made dinner, ate dinner and cleaned up after dinner. As I actually got up to possibly head to my stationary bike I saw the fruit pizza stuff and started that. I made the crust and while that cooked I cut the fruit up. When the crust came out I had to wait for it to cool. The longer I waited the less I wanted to pay a visit to my bike. Then I realized that I shouldn’t put the fruit pizza together tonight or it will be soggy tomorrow from the fruit dip on the cookie crust. Ok, wrap up the fruit and put it in the fridge and cover the giant cookie crust until tomorrow. Now here I sit writing and I am thinking about popcorn. Oh how I want popcorn but no workout means my fat ass can eat something healthier. Protein. That’s what I’ll do in lieu of working out. I’ll sit here and eat and write. So not motivated to do anything and that’s ok but very dangerous if it happens more than occasionally. I should go work out but I’m not and that’s that. I’ll run tomorrow morning when it’s not raining and cold out. Sunny and 45 sounds way better than the stationary bike anyway doesn’t it? Fuck it! I’m going to bed. Goodbye Bad Attitude Friday!
On Friday, James wrestled his last match. He lost both but was wrestling hurt. He got hurt a lot in this last month and part of him was mentally done with it all. All of it is now nothing but a memory and when it was over he felt it and I felt it too. You can’t really say the right words to console someone as the impact and emotion of the end of something important to them ends. You can say the right words but the moment needs to happen and you have to let it pass. I hugged my sweaty beautiful son with a ball in my throat because I was sad it was over too. I was sad that I would never see him step on the mat again. As I hugged him he said “Thanks for always being my cheerleader” but I thought to myself, James, the real cheerleader in my heart is you! He’s always encouraging me and telling me I can do stuff and always is proud of whatever I do. He’s especially wonderful when I’m running. Yesterday I went for a run with my son. So slow was I. 10:30 slow and in some places slower because we walked. It was just a bad day to run as it is every month during this time. Slow, heavy legs and an attitude that struggles to stay positive. I finished and it didn’t matter the time because neither one of us cared that it was slow. He was so quick compared to me because he’s been doing stairs for wrestling all season so he’s not winded. He was trotting along cheering me the enire way, my Wingman James. “come on mama!” he shouts. “we’re almost there mama!”. the entire way. He was a good running buddy for me, he always is. He’s a good sport and he doesn’t quit. He’s human and gets tired and isn’t afraid to feel tired if he is. My kind of partner over someone who pretends like nothing bothers them. With wrestling season over, he knows that now as he ends his high school days where he’s always busy and active that he needs to do something to proactively keep moving. It’s not the first time he’s willingly run with me. Most times it’s on his bike but yesterday it was running. He pushed me along as I struggled and he didn’t seem to even be winded, probably because that pace is like walking LOL. He didn’t complain. He never complains when we’re out. The truth is that HE’s MY cheerleader! He makes me push harder, believes in me when I’m struggling, fills me with laughter when I need it on the road and in life. His hugs squeeze hard times right out of you and he’s just fun to be with. Let fishing begin!
What an amazing ride it has been buddy! Thank you for taking me along on this special and emotionally driven ride through all of your accomplishments, success’, losses and all of it! Thank you for always telling me I can and for trying so hard that it makes me try hard too. You are always one of my greatest inspirations and my happiness.
WOW this turned out much longer than I thought but ok.
I have this problem of bitching about my life just to myself. Mostly about how my things don’t get finished. How other people think and the stupid things that they do and say that piss me off. I pretty much bitch to the lady in the mirror but because I like to think I’m a better person than the cranky old bitch that complains all the time. I try to SHOW positivity and happiness a lot of the time but I’ve lapsed in the last 8-ish years and have started “sharing” real feelings with people. I never ever did this prior to 2011. I kept everything to myself and put on the best happy face I could despite the fact that it wasn’t fooling as many people as I thought. Since 2011 I’ve gotten better at making me a priority and part of getting better mind, body and spirit is first of all having friends again. I dumped all my friends in 2011 and solo’d a very treacherous and dangerous road all by myself. I wanted no input from anyone so that the decisions I was making were strictly mine without influence from people that might sway me to irrational or rash decisions. I needed the outcome to be strictly what I needed it to be and for that to happen I needed to be alone. Now I feel slightly different at this juncture because friends can be good sounding boards and the really good ones listen just so you will feel better but I didn’t realize that then. So friends have helped me build myself back up. Anyway, sharing with people is new for me and feels a little like some dishonest act because when you spend so long NOT sharing and keeping everything close to the vest it’s a little weird. So now that I have done some adjusting, (I’m always adjusting me now) I find that I bitch to myself about stuff that bothers me. The latest irritation was a text that I got from someone telling me basically that their child didn’t want to help out by giving my son a ride home from a practice that the coach called in another town for the entire week. With no reliable ride of his own and the promise from the coach that rides would be available my son is pretty much reliant on the promise that rides will be available. I guess he should have just ridden home with the one person that treats him poorly instead of asking his teammates for a ride thinking they wouldn’t mind. I can’t count the number of times we have driven kids home who didn’t have rides and gone a half hour out of our way because it was the right thing, nice thing to do. Other than inconvenience his parents who really can’t just leave work to go get him, my child doesn’t have an option but to subject himself to the person who is probably the worst supporter on the planet. Whatever! It’s a ride and the whole “TEAM” thing is over in 2 days forever anyway. It just pisses me off that this person would reach out and say that the extra driving past their house to drop my son off was just too much trouble for a couple of days. GRRRR! Well, that is where my head was the last 24 hours.
ANYWAY, I do try not to let these things that bother me come out beyond my bathroom mirror. I always ask God for patience with these things because it feels terrible letting them eat at me and I don’t like being upset. So today I came in to work and in one of the kitchens found this:
This is a box of Chocolates. First of all, all I can think about is stupid Forrest Gump and his “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” quote. This is just so true!
Secondly, my Grandmother who is gone many years now used to love Skinners chocolates. As I was reminded of her I also thought of her life as plain and simple as it was and always the same. She lived in a converted chicken coup that my Grandfather built up to a home. it was built with plywood not drywall, the piping was rudimentary copper pipes that didn’t deliver much water in the shower, the laundry was done in the bathroom where the supplies and the toilet were also located. There were cobwebs everywhere there and the floor was vinyl linoleum that was peeling in places. The second floor was just an open entry to what was an attic converted to two bedrooms and an actual attic space with a door for their 5 daughters to share growing up. The rugs covered a drafty floor and the doors didn’t all fit tight in their frames but it was home to her and she never complained. I think of her and feel badly that all the unfinished projects at my house bother me. My husband is one person with two hands a full plate, two jobs and a wife with a Masters degree making wages that don’t live up to her earned education. Do I pitch in and try to do some of these projects myself? Nope I’d rather just sit and bitch that they aren’t done. Funny how a simple box of chocolates can change your perspective on things in general. I like learning moments like this because they right my head and center my mind back on the things that do / do not need negative attention. Will selfish people still bug me? Yes but today I just choose to blow it off and say we’ll find another way. Will my unfinished house still bother me? Yes but I could choose something simple and make that one thing better. It’s all in how you look at things that matters.
Valentines Day…. the day I spend my morning decorating and making special heart shaped pancakes, signing cards of love for my whole family and allowing chocolate before breakfast! There is no time for running or working out in the morning on this day. I decided I might run at lunch but then got all pissed off because someone said something stupid to me and then my intended lunch run turned into an “after work long-ass gym workout until well after I normally would have come home” workout. I figured if they are dumb enough to say stupid things, then Fuck you asshole, I’m not making you dinner and I’m not going to come right home so I can recall the thing that made me mad and then spiral to the “why don’t I get ….” which always ends up putting me in bad places anyway. But a short delay in my departure from work changed my attitude and I went home to attempt a street run. Now my street runs have been, as you may have read recently, less than acceptable to my normal standards. I wasn’t expecting much but I went out with no agenda or time goal. I went out just to jog my way for a while figuring I’d just eventually make my way back home.
Off I went. Now the first thing that catches my attention is that I don’t feel like I’m carrying a moose on my back. My legs feel better and less heavy and other than what feels like a hip strain I feel pretty happy. I also notice that my throat isn’t aching or on fire from mouth breathing. Well that’s a first in a few weeks and when I got home I wasn’t raspy and my chest didn’t hurt. So I am making an executive decision that I’m on the upswing from being sick. That is a very good thing. It wasn’t fast at ALL …10.5 minute miles for me is like super slow but it’s where I need to be right now. I’m just happy that I feel better. Part of my problem is the lack of core I haven’t done since I got sick. Weak core= harder run. Period. As the weather breaks to something more than 30 my outside runs will increase and every thing just goes up. Now play the video and while you’re dancing around tapping your foot you’ll know just how happy I am right now!
Today instead of 8 miles hanging over my head, I did 45 minutes on my stationary. 1 minute high tension then 2 minutes light resistance. I did that for 38 minutes and lightly cycled the remaining 7 minutes to bring my heart rate down. It was more than 30 minutes which I felt good about. I thought that since I’m no longer running a race in March I should push longer with workouts …just a little though. My legs are still sore from the leg machine on Thursday…Thursday! Who knew 50 lbs would be a several day long wincing parade! I’m actually happy about this pain in my legs because
I don’t always feel this way when I work out. I do enough to work but never end up walking like someone with a hip replacement necessarily. I do enough to keep the big fat pockets at bay and things tighter than they might be had I let Fat Brenna take over. I could in all fairness work harder than I do but I guess I don’t want to because I’m not in competition. So today, other than a trip to work for a little while and working an event taking pictures to benefit my sons wrestling team, it’s quite a Lazy Sunday. It’s a day where I’m grateful for all I have and that I don’t have to go push through 8 miles that I’ll be sorry about for the entire week. It’s not worth it. So what makes me push through a harder workout on a super lazy Sunday? This kid right here!!
The kid in red is my son James. I’ve talked about him before. I’m incredibly proud of him as I am of all my children. I learn lessons from all of them that stay with me. This picture was taken yesterday at his wrestling sectionals. This is a picture of what fighting through adversity looks like. This kid in maroon took a cheap shot with his head slamming it up under James chin. The shot nearly knocked him out but James kept wrestling through pain to finish this match. It’s one of my favorite things about James. He keeps going until it’s done win or lose. I don’t care if he wins or loses. Sure I care but it’s more like I feel bad for him when he loses and awesomely proud of him and for him when he wins. I take home a winner either way. I thought about James today and this picture. He’s fighting jaw pain, a headache and the fuzzies here. He refused to quit and it took a good 15 seconds for him to shake his head straight enough to keep going but he did it. This kid is a lion and has the heart of one too. As I thought about the race I wasn’t running any longer and as my usual 30 minutes approached I decided to do a little more and be like James. My legs were on fire and I could have gotten off that stupid bike but I rode another 15 minutes because James is my hero! He’s so strong and strong willed that I should push just a little harder today…every day too. I love this kid so much. He’s my Wingman, my friend, my son, my laughter, my fishing partner, my towel when I cry, my joy when I am struggling to find it and one of the reasons Fat Brenna never won. Everyone should have a James in their life. He is a blessing to me. I am so lucky for him. He makes my life’s joyous trinity complete. 1 part Katy, 1 part Johnny and 1 part James give me strength and happiness found only in the depth of one’s soul each and every day!
So get this! Tonight I had every intention…every intention of going out for a run after work. Now I started out wanting to go to the gym but I forgot my ear buds so I went home. Once I’m home I’m SO not motivated to go to the gym so I thought to myself that I’d layer up, cover my face and trot 3 miles. I stayed home just long enough for my conscience to get the best of me by convincing me that 26 degrees was too cold as I’m trying to heal my lungs. Sooooo I just kicked my ass and went to the gym. At the gym I tried a new routine. It went a little like this: Run a mile at 5.0 speed flat incline. Then I headed into the Boys section and for the first time I braved using their machines. I used the leg press machine first. I tested it out with the 45 plate that was on there and that was just way too heavy. So I put 25’s on each side and did 5 sets of as many reps as I could in 30 seconds. It was hard but not super strenuous or straining on my knee but I did have to adjust how far down I brought my legs so I wasn’t straining anything nor compromising my muscles or ligaments. Next I did the squat machine. It’s just the opposite of the leg press machine except you’re squatting. Again, I used 25 lb plates on each side and did the same number of reps as before.
Now I went back to the DM and when I started running my right quad convulsed at the start of my run. It was super wierd but it leveled off pretty quick and felt ok. I definitely could tell that tomorrow my legs will be bitching about that little escapade but tough shit I need to work my legs. I’m not getting nearly enough running in so I have to work harder at other things in the mean time. Where the FUCK is Spring!!!!??? So I did my mile again but I kept the speed at 4.9 to allow my legs to jog off the stress. That mile was what I would consider cautious. I got off the DM and then did some core work. Sit ups, oblique dips and twists with a plate Tabata style 1 minute work, 30 seconds rest for 3 reps. Lastly I got back on the DM and ran my final mile at 5.0 which I gradually increased after the half mile mark to 5.8 to finish. I feel like I worked tonight and I didn’t go out in the cold and I didn’t run 3 miles consecutively nor did I push how hard I was running into the 5.8-6.0 range which is where I can go when I’m so motivated to move my ass.
Now, I’m sitting at my kitchen table and my legs are adequately tired as I would expect them to be given how I worked them. What I didn’t expect was the burning in my chest just sitting here. With each breath in it hurts down where the flu usually takes hold of you for a few days. How is it that that can be? I tried really hard to work hard but not too hard. I didn’t run outside breathing cold air which is what this feels like. I didn’t go crazy running either so why the hell does my chest hurt? I’ll tell you why…. because my fucking lungs are not cooperating. I’m being a good girl and they are not playing nice in my sandbox. I’m so not happy right now! Maybe after a night of rest and no talking or mouth breathing I’ll feel better. All I know is that it’s still not over and I’m still not better. More waiting…
So, I count on my Bad Ass B’s friends to keep me on the up and up. I count on them to say the things that need to be said, give me a break when I won’t cut myself one, pick me up when I fall and generally be a running / fitness sounding board. So yesterday my friend Barbara came to see me on her lunch. We work together and frequently have lunch together which is nice. We chatted with others and then commuted to my desk where her take on my race withdrawal surfaced. She said “so you’re quitting?”. My answer was “No, I’m not quitting, I’m stopping.” I don’t see it as quitting because my reasoning is not that I don’t want to run the race because I’m afraid because I’m not afraid of the race. I’m more concerned with running a race that I’m under trained for. I follow Hal Higdon’s training plan to a T in terms of long runs. My lungs have not allowed me to run longer than 4ish miles in 3 weeks. Currently I should be running 8 miles to training plan but physically I’m only half way there. I can’t breathe and my body is clearly giving me signs like struggling to regulate my breathing, heavy legs, absolute exhaustion after only a few miles. It’s not healed and it’s screaming at me. My theory, and I feel like it’s pretty realistic, is that if I’m undertrained even having run a dozen or so half marathons and some other shorter distances sprinkled in there, it will most likely be either a DNF or physically open me up to susceptibility to pneumonia or other such bigger challenges. The body must rest. I don’t always do the rest thing in my daily / weekly training and my B’s usually call me out for it. In fact I’ve always done something every day. I’ve gone 6 weeks without a full rest day but there’s a difference between resting my body which is strong and still able to perfom daily and resting my lungs. The inside works differently and takes a long time to heal. I’m not ok pushing my lungs just to keep up with training just to pay for it later. I need to rest, but I need to run but running right now is challenging and those challenges are putting me behind and causing me mental stress that is causing me to keep pushing when I should be resting and keeping my workouts low key. I’m taking the pressure of a race, that means nothing to me and which I’m running alone, off my mind and off my plate so I can focus on being restful and prepare for other things. There is a big difference between stopping because it’s the right thing to do for your body and allowing yourself to get better and quitting because I’m afraid or don’t want to run a race that I can easily finish. I know I can finish ut I’m choosing to bow out for the greater good. Will I be better in the next 5.5 weeks? I would venture to say most likely yes but the lungs don’t heal fast so who knows. I’m just not willing to go crazy just to run this race. i am perfectly willing to push through sore muscles, queasiness, tiredness and many other manageable issues but not when it comes to my lungs. Will I keep an open mind and see what I’m capable of, yes. I always do but in the next week or two if I can’t get caught up because I can’t do the miles right now, I won’t be running. I will never just jump in and run a race without having already run enough miles to make finishing an achievable task. Going into a race unprepared mentally and physically is just stupid. So my ultimate answer to the question of what is the difference between quitting and stopping is merely GRAY MATTER. I love my B’s and I appreciate them pushing me to be my best. Will I run? The answer right now is Maybe. If I can and if I feel that crossing the finish line isn’t too big of a compromise, yes I will. Fat Brenna would have quit because she was scared of committing to training. Afraid of working hard every day. We don’t allow Fat Brenna air time anymore because she’s stupid and SHE’S the difference between quitting and stopping.