Why is it that when we look in the mirror, no matter how much improvement we make or how much weight we lose or how much toning we have accomplished that we always see what’s not done? I did it this morning and the minute it came out of my mouth I was pissed at myself! My husband came up behind me and put his hands on my waist and the first thing I said was “Honey, look I have handles”. He was like “What?” so immediately I backtracked and made a silly joke out of it, which thankfully he let slide and accepted but I didn’t. Why did I go right to what wasn’t perfect about my shape instead of just appreciating the moment? Why did I think he was grabbing the extra flab that isn’t really there around my waist when he truly wasn’t? How insecure of me. I have worked my ass off to get where I am at so why would I automatically point out flaws when my husband actually doesn’t see them? I know that he wasn’t just being nice because if he had actually been scoping out my fat, he would have retorted something about being older and it being harder to lose weight or some age excuse to make me feel better but he didn’t. He really was confused by my handle comment. His next response in conveying his confusion to my seemingly random and uncalled for statement was something along the lines of there being zero fat on me (actually not true as I have a slight gut in front and a little extra on my core below my ribcage pretty much all around my trunk). I only say that to point out that I am not, nor do I expect to be, a super model skinny tight bodied vixen or cougar as the older woman is referred to by society. I don’t want to be a 20 year old again and I am comfortable with where I am for the age I am at and for the time I can put in to stay in shape and keep my joints and mind lucid . At that moment, I really think I got too comfortable because the old Brenna showed up and took over for the first time in a long time. I hate her! She’s the one who has no confidence and is ashamed of herself not me. She’s the one I’m always running away from because the fact of the matter is that we’ll never be buddies ever again because she nearly killed me. Today was the first time she’s crept up on me and I definitely did not like it. I have come a long way. I am strong and beautiful and in the best shape of my life. I can run 13.1 miles, I eat really well and I have a positive attitude and a wonderful family. I have friends again that I feel I can be myself around without worrying about what I say and think all the time. I am proud of me and I like having a little extra to squeeze when I’m hugged. Being happy with yourself is part of what makes life great and I know it. So bye bye fat Brenna, don’t let the door hit you on the way out. You’re not allowed back in my life. I’m better off without you. Good Riddance!
You know people say all the time that you should do what you love. The other day someone at work, who is among the group of people whom I torture with all my workouts and runs and successes all the time, told me I should teach fitness. After I giggled I thought about and then I took a stroll through my Facebook photos and it was clogged with pictures of me before, during and after runs and Tabata routines, stationary bike rides and strength training. In fact it’s all I talk about when I’m not talking about my kids. I’m sort of obsessed with working out and my running endeavors and not just a little bit…a LOT! They pretty much all look like these:
So I gave it some more thought sort of seriously and sans sarcasm for the most part, and here is what I think about that.
I really wouldn’t want to teach fitness classes for many reasons. The thought of jumping ship and leaving the comfort of a 9-5 job isn’t realistic for me because I like my job and it’s way to scary to think about not having one at the moment. If, perhaps I could think about it for a moment pretending that I could ever do that (but won’t or at least won’t right now or in the near future) Let’s consider some things. I hear all the time of people like James Lawrence aka The Iron Cowboy (reading his book which is AMAZING btw) and Kelly Roberts @KellyKKRoberts who found her voice through sheer will, tragedy, a sister who just wouldn’t quit and people who believe in her to create a way of life. Whether that’s forever or just for now who knows. What matters is that it’s working. Either out of sheer necessity, part insanity and by stumbling along trying to find themselves and their purpose, they found themselves a lifestyle that they mostly love. Mostly because like every job it has it’s ups and downs and sheer shitty days. I’ve followed along with both of them, one in a blog / Twitter / Podcast kind of way and the other through reading his words and experiences chronicled on a tightly kerned tiny printed pages of his book 50|50|50: Redefining Impossible. Read it if you want to see what determination looks like!
I sometimes wonder what it would be like to just go for something seemingly crazy and try to make a go of it. I think about how scary that must be with bills to pay and kids to feed. What a leap of faith and utter confidence in percentages leaning more toward success over failure. Maybe someday when my kids are on their own and life is a little easier to keep me busy. What would it be like to blog and get paid for it? What the hell would I write about or would I write about exactly what I do now…my daily thoughts and experiences? I think about what it would be like to get sponsored to go have fun doing something I’m really passionate about and perfect my craft for a purpose. I love being fit and definitely have more to give if I had time to give it in. What would my perfect dream job look like right now?
It would probably involve one or all or a combination of the following things none of which are probably realistically one role but wouldn’t that be amazing!
- Motivational speaking impressing upon people the differences between I can’t and I don’t want to and time management. I can’t stand those two words because it’s all bullshit unless you’re in a wheelchair or have seriously extreme conditions that actually prevent you from getting it done. I don’t subscribe to excuses and I think society uses them all to often.
- Working to spread awareness and raise money to help a cause like Epidermolysis Bullosa (Butterfly Children).
- Personal Fitness. I am driven and motivated and determined and I truly believe that you can do anything you set your mind to which sometimes means that you need a little help from someone doing it. What would this look like given I haven’t ever run a marathon or trained anyone and I have no certifications of any kind, just a lot to offer in terms of focus and motivation that can be delivered with a smile and some fun. Probably more along the lines of helping people find a routine, find their limits and stay on track. Do you really need a certification for that? I guess if you do if you want to get paid and if you don’t want to get sued.
So, that’s where I stand on that thought. Till the day comes where I’m sitting in a boardroom with a totally amazing offer with some serious dough attached to it or I find a crazy opportunity that I just can pass up I’ll stay right here in mainstream America doing a job I love with people that are amazing and continue to be fit, write blogs and encourage the masses to be their best.
I hate fitting my runs in but I love fitting my runs in at the same time. I know that sounds whacked but let me explain. I love getting a run in on a busy day. When I have many things to do I love fitting a 3 miler in because I feel accomplished. What I don’t like is squeezing it in. I don’t like thinking about finishing before I even get out the door. I don’t like rushing through it…THAT is what I don’t like. I don’t like leaving the house and running as quickly as I can just to get it done. That bothers me because then it becomes this chore instead of being my happy place which is what it has developed into for me. I like going out there, especially on a Sunday, and just thinking about how that is the only thing I wanted to accomplish for the day. I like being out there focused on my run, breathing and how I’m feeling rather than wishing it was done already. It takes the fun out of running for me. Today I have a family friend’s graduation to go to and I am making cupcakes. Here I sit waiting for them to cook so I can fill them and then frost them and THEN head out for some miles, whatever they may be. I could have gone first but then my mind would be racing to having enough time to finish before we leave. Mind you it’s 7 am and they are almost all finished cooking but the filling and frosting still needs to be done. To me, it still feels like a time crunch which will follow me out on the road even when they are done and ready to go. I’m weird like that but no matter, I’ll finish then go and be happy with the morning as it stands because that’s the best I can do today. Sometimes all you can do is shoot for outstanding but accept your best. That’s life.
PS: My Sunday run was the worst ever! 3 horrible miles that were done in one mile increments because I couldn’t breathe and my calves / shins were killing me. Sometimes even when you are looking forward to a run and everything else is done, it turns out badly and you just have to be grateful that it’s done and move on. I don’t have many of those runs / days but when I do I just remember that there are those out there who cannot do even what I did on a bad run. I have to remember that I am still better off than some people who can’t. So I am thankful for horrible runs for that very reason. They keep me appreciating my ability to still do what I love even when it’s not the best I have done.