Family · Life · Random Thoughts

Rites of Passage, Wounds to the Heart

two timesI am not a good emotional person. What I mean by that is I cry very easily, if I’m mad you know it because I can’t hide it, I cry when I’m happy, sad, sometimes when I’m mad too.  My eyes always rat me out even when I have myself under control because they are red and glossy and swollen for quite a while.  I am not brave when it comes to handling milestones like the one my son is about to celebrate in two days…College.

My oldest son, my second child, is going to be leaving me / us to live away at college and I’m a wreck.  He’s only going an hour and a half away and it feels like he’s leaving the planet. I am not comforted by facetime or Skype or calls.  It doesn’t make me feel better knowing I can get there in a pretty short time because well, this is college and it’s his time.  I cannot chase him, don’t want to be that mother because really the outcome would be the opposite of how I want it.  All I see when I look at him these days is a tiny little boy with shorts that look like jams because his legs were so little who has never been afraid of anything and has never known what “I can’t” meant. My Eagle Scout is now spreading his wings and it’s amazing that he’s ready….I’m not.  I feel this huge hole in my chest.   I can’t imagine how his roommate’s parents are going to handle leaving their son here in the USA and going back to Kuwait…ANOTHER COUNTRY!  I can’t even brave one state over without feeling this tremendous sense of something is missing.  Not having him around I guess will become normal in my routine so says my sweet friend Sharon.  She texted me to tell me it will be ok and I believe her.  She’s sent one off to school and sends another two this year.  What is my PROBLEM!  I can’t deal with one never mind 2 and a repeat.  Where is all this strength that God is supposed to provide in times of need?  I know it’s there, I’m just feeling sorry for myself and having a little pity party when no one is looking.  Writing this is making me feel a little like I’m normal.  I know it’s normal I just don’t feel normal.  Things I’ll miss will include making his breakfast, lunch and dinner (yeah I’m that mom that other’s roll their eyes at) , not having him down the hall to tell a funny story to or to see his new magic tricks the moment he learns them.  Not shouting down the hall that American Ninja Warriors is on and to come watch it with me.  He won’t be in my yard traversing the obstacle course he created, no baseball in the yard, no stray whiffle balls that I find in my garden.  His shoes won’t be strewn all over the house and the griddle will be clean LOL.  The hair gel will be put away in the cabinet where it belongs and the weight room in our cellar probably won’t be in disarray much.  My fire pit will remain half constructed for a while longer and there won’t be random half drunk gallons of water all over the house to pick up.  Not having him there to tell the story of some dingbat doing something stupid that I read about in my newsfeed during my day will be a bit like a hiccup and a burp at the same time.  Like swallowing a giant mouthful of water with an air pocket and waiting for the pain to go away.

I do still have two awesomes at home and they will keep me happy, preoccupied and busy.  They are two of my three reasons for not staying at rock bottom several years ago.  When I tumbled into the abyss the light from my kids shined down to me and showed me the way back.  My oldest, my only daughter Katy, who is my doppelganger and one of the greatest people on this planet, commutes to her college and lives at home still.  I don’t mind because I love having her at home even though she isn’t “at home” all that much.  I still kiss her goodnight even if it’s late and sometimes get to have a conversation that lasts more than 5 minutes face to face.  We have lunch sometimes and usually share a text each day if not just to say I love you.  She inspires me and makes me a better person all round.  My youngest son James is a joy.  He is so funny and good natured.  He’s a great kid and turned 17 today….17!  He has 2 years of high school left to finish so I’ll be busy as he begins finding what he wants to do with his life and we start preparing for him to take the same steps his siblings have.  He has this gigantic wingspan that envelops me when he hugs me.  I always feel better when James scoops me up and gives me kisses on my cheek.  All my children make me so happy.  I just am finding out how much I dislike one going away.  I’ll just rub some dirt in it and suck it up and get over it.  It’ll be fine.

I know this is how life is supposed to go with John leaving.  I know this is good for him and it will be the days that will be what he refers to as the best times of his life later in life.  I know it’s a right of passage and he is not afraid.  I wasn’t afraid either and this is no different from when I moved out of my house and into my first apartment I guess.  I now have sadness for my mother because I wonder if she felt this way.  I don’t think so because she and I are not close like I am with all my kids.  They are my best buddies, my crew, my peeps and unfortunately for them they are my entire world.  This is a good thing because our family will have what I did not even if it’s because honestly I couldn’t / wouldn’t have it any other way.  I can’t be without them and I hate the way it has to happen because I never liked the Band-Aid getting ripped off but this new little adjustment to not having them around all the time is probably more beneficial to me than them.  I’m happy it’s one at a time I suppose so the wound to my soul can heal over and callous before it’s time to take another step in the therapy process.  I guess it’s like therapy for a phobia…you have to face it to deal with it or it will consume you.

I took this picture of John when we visited the school he is now about to call home.URI

I am tremendously happy for him and scared and sad to leave him at school but the opportunity he is about to embark on is amazing and wonderful and exciting and he deserves this opportunity.  It’s his time and I’m so proud of him I could bust.  As you walk away from me through the door that leads to your future, don’t forget that home is never far away and the door is never locked!  I Love You Johnny!


happiness · Life

Remembering How to Enjoy Life

be happtToday the house is quiet …OK well it was but now some of our crew is up so less quiet but still relatively still.  In 2011 I shut my friends and family out of my world completely to deal with some personal issues that needed my complete focus and no “input” from outside sources.  I stopped calling and visiting and making plans of any kind.  Basically I shut my social world off and began fixing what was wrong.  I spent the next 4 years making bad things better, losing the 50 lbs I had gained and pretty much climbing out of a hell hole that nearly took me away from all that I love.  Last year I finally felt that although things are not perfectly back to normal and there will be some things that just need faith and acceptance, I’m back to a place where I can finally breathe again.  It’s a bit like when you go to the beach for the first time in the season and delicately stick your toes in the water to gauge the temperature then slowly go deeper and deeper until you’re fully in it and wondered how you thought it was chilly.  This weekend I’m having a few people over for sort of a cookout and fire.  This is a big deal for me and I am so happy to finally be here and to be breathing.

In the last 5 years I have learned that friends are important to well being and have actually admitted that I NEED them.  I have one friend that I’ve known since I was 5 and we have always come and go in each other’s lives based on how busy we are.  We always stay in touch even if we don’t see one another often.  Just the way it’s always been.  Beyond that I have no real friends but I am not one of those people who doesn’t need a zillion friends.  I have however started allowing myself to do things with people I am friendly with who are becoming my good friends.   Sewing for Christmas gifts, a cookout, pedicures, visiting, adding people to my morning text messages and some other things that are social in nature.  I am enjoying, enjoying life again in the way that I want to.  I like that I have started to do things for me and taken my complete focus off one place.  I have learned that I need to make me important and have people in my life or I am going to die sad and alone one day.  I have learned to notice the effort people put in and understand that even if I think it’s not enough at times, it may be all they can do in the way they know how to do it.  My way isn’t always the best way just because it’s the way I want it to be.  I have learned to accept, not like, the consequences of my actions knowing that I must have faith that it ok.  I have learned that unlike a kid, I can’t have it all my way when I played my cards in a specific manner that created a situation that I can’t eliminate despite the desire down to my soul to do so.  Some things just can’t be the way I want them.  Live with it or leave it and that is a choice I have painfully and slowly managed to wrap my head around.  I have learned perspective and although my acceptance of the way things are may not last forever, for now it will have to do.  I have learned that if you want to get, you need to give first and invest in the outcome you want like a garden… weed it, water it, give it vitamins and you will have a wonderful garden.  Ignore it and it will die.  I’m growing my life and it now includes more than just one variety of meaning.  I am remembering how to have fun and I am for the first time in a very long time, very happy.  I love my family and my much happier life and my new friends who I hope to know for a long time.  Life is good and now one day at a time so am I!


Pace · Random Thoughts · Running Friends

My Friends Rachel and

Consistency is key in the running world as is hard work and perseverance, healthy eating , good sleep and all those things that you read about.  Sometimes however, it is about the singers and songs that you bring with you to power you through the miles whether they be 3 or 7 or 13.1, 26.2 and beyond.  Today in the last mile of 3 I did the repeat thing to two songs that helped me up my current game in the last mile.  Thanks to and the Black Eyed Peas for I got a feeling and to the one who put out the song that embodies my fight to recover my life that nearly ended in sadness….Rachel Platten’s Fight Song might not have come out in the dark days but it came out and powers me on no matter the day.  Today I hit a pace that I haven’t seen in a while because my music friends were by my side telling me to keep going and to push on faster because I could.  I love days like this when I am strong and feel powerful.  I love running and I hope that if you ever decide to become a runner by taking that first step, that you love it too.

On another happy note,  my friend Barbara and I were selected to run the Falmouth Road Race in August.  I’m excited about it.  It’s a 7 miler full of hills that mean hill training.  BRING IT ON because I eat hills!  The Bad Ass Runners (that would be Barbara and I) will come by storm and make our mark on another challenge.  I am healthy and strong and I can do anything I set my mind to…sing it Rachel