2017 · Attitude · brenna gimler · friends

Good Riddance!

Why is it that when we look in the mirror, no matter how much improvement we make or how much weight we lose or how much toning we have accomplished that we always see what’s not done?  I did it this morning and the minute it came out of my mouth I was pissed at myself!   My husband came up behind me and put his hands on my waist and the first thing I said was “Honey, look I have handles”.  He was like “What?” so immediately I backtracked and made a silly joke out of it, which thankfully he let slide and accepted but I didn’t.  Why did I go right to what wasn’t perfect about my shape instead of just appreciating the moment?  Why did I think he was grabbing the extra flab that isn’t really there  around my waist when he truly wasn’t?  How insecure of me.  I have worked my ass off to get where I am at so why would I automatically point out flaws when my husband actually doesn’t see them? I know that he wasn’t just being nice because if he had actually been scoping out my fat, he would have retorted something about being older and it being harder to lose weight or some age excuse to make me feel better but he didn’t.  He really was confused by my handle comment. His next response in conveying his confusion to my seemingly random and uncalled for statement was something along the lines of there being zero fat on me (actually not true as I have a slight gut in front and a little extra on my core below my ribcage pretty much all around my trunk).  I only say that to point out that I am not, nor do I expect to be, a super model skinny tight bodied vixen or cougar as the older woman is referred to by society.  I don’t want to be a 20 year old again and I am comfortable with where I am for the age I am at and for the time I can put in to stay in shape and keep my joints and mind lucid .  At that moment, I really think I got too comfortable because the old Brenna showed up and took over for the first time in a long time. I hate her!  She’s the one who has no confidence and is ashamed of herself not me.  She’s the one I’m always running away from because the fact of the matter is that we’ll never be buddies ever again because she nearly killed me.  Today was the first time she’s crept up on me and I definitely did not like it.   I have come a long way.  I am strong and beautiful and in the best shape of my life.  I can run 13.1 miles, I eat really well and I have a positive attitude and a wonderful family.  I have friends again that I feel I can be myself around without worrying about what I say and think all the time.  I am proud of me and I like having a little extra to squeeze when I’m hugged.  Being happy with yourself is part of what makes life great and I know it.  So bye bye fat Brenna, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.  You’re not allowed back in my life.  I’m better off without you. Good Riddance!

Random Thoughts

Letting It Go

Letting it go

I have always wondered how to “let it go” but have never been good at it.  What is it?  Is it a switch?  Is it a moment of definition or clarity?  Is it the influence of another that has an impactful effect on you that makes the difference?  I think maybe this is different for everyone and the “moment” that one let’s it go is defined quite differently for everyone.  When does pain stop and healing begin?  Maybe that happens over time or maybe we grow out of whatever it is that plagues us.  Maybe we attend church on one dynamic day and find insight and forgiveness.  Maybe it’s just the need for inner peace that drives us to take that scary and risky step to let go of pain and hurt.  I don’t think there is one solid answer, just reasons that envelop us and sometimes consume us.  If we step up and change ourselves from the inside out, it will not get us.

Today I let go of something and I’m not sure I was quite ready to or maybe I was afraid of what letting it go would do to me.  does letting go make it ok?  Nope.  Does letting it go mean  forgiveness? I’m not sure that is 100% true but in part it is.  I needed to let it go before it consumed me and drove me crazy & to places that I fought really hard to get out of.  I needed to let it go because I’m rotting from the inside out and I feel like I’m stuck in some awful time warp. Like Dorothy in OZ, the power was always within her grasp, she just didn’t know it.  I’m not sure where I go from here but it will definitely be better than hanging on to the sinking ship.  Time to let go and tread water and embrace whatever comes next.  I’m unsure, scared and feel a little like I lost the war but who’s war was it?  Was I like the Catcher in the Rye and nothing was real except in my head or was it very real and  should I have hung onto what is now the thing I have taken a step away from.  Maybe I’ll see with new eyes.

Is this healing?  I don’t know.  In the past few days I have read all the unfortunate stories of others that are plastered all over social media and in fact a friend of mine recounted a tale or such overwhelming tragedy and his story of triumph and how he uses that pain to do good for others and to keep moving on.  What am I doing other than just being mad and feeling wronged?  In light of all that others bear and all that I have in my life to be grateful for, my motivation in being angry sounds like that of a petulant and bitter person and that’s not who I am inside.  I do not want that to be who I become.  I feel like it’s time to take a step away from this and begin to find my next chapter of happy.  Running brought me my first true happy, delivering me from depression and unfathomable thoughts.  Letting go from my heart and closing the door on this is the right direction and the right thing to do for me.

It does not mean that I condone or forgive because I don’t feel “better” but it means that I need to heal and to let the rotting anger and negativity out.  It’s no longer welcome in my heart.  As much as I want to see those responsible hurt like I hurt and cry like I cry down to my very bare soul, I must accept that they will have to atone at a time that is not mine to decide.  I am OK and I have learned many things from what i’ll say has been an eye opening experience.  Things about me, things about others and things about life in general.  I have had to accept some life lessons, some things about myself that aren’t so admirable and delve into what life is and what it means to me.  It’s been a long time and I’m ready to take a deep breath and let it go for me.  It hasn’t gone away, I am just ready to deal with it in a different way.  A way less painful but retaining all the lessons it has taught me.  Like the scar I bear on my right knee from a childhood injury it will hurt less as time goes on and will get smaller.  I will always “see” it but it will no longer tear me apart from the inside like something out of Alien.  I’ll live with it like “A Beautiful Mind” and ride it’s lessons like the wings of an eagle.

I run and I will continue to run until I can no longer do so.  I run to heal and I’m on my way. I’ve found my way.