Today the house is quiet …OK well it was but now some of our crew is up so less quiet but still relatively still. In 2011 I shut my friends and family out of my world completely to deal with some personal issues that needed my complete focus and no “input” from outside sources. I stopped calling and visiting and making plans of any kind. Basically I shut my social world off and began fixing what was wrong. I spent the next 4 years making bad things better, losing the 50 lbs I had gained and pretty much climbing out of a hell hole that nearly took me away from all that I love. Last year I finally felt that although things are not perfectly back to normal and there will be some things that just need faith and acceptance, I’m back to a place where I can finally breathe again. It’s a bit like when you go to the beach for the first time in the season and delicately stick your toes in the water to gauge the temperature then slowly go deeper and deeper until you’re fully in it and wondered how you thought it was chilly. This weekend I’m having a few people over for sort of a cookout and fire. This is a big deal for me and I am so happy to finally be here and to be breathing.
In the last 5 years I have learned that friends are important to well being and have actually admitted that I NEED them. I have one friend that I’ve known since I was 5 and we have always come and go in each other’s lives based on how busy we are. We always stay in touch even if we don’t see one another often. Just the way it’s always been. Beyond that I have no real friends but I am not one of those people who doesn’t need a zillion friends. I have however started allowing myself to do things with people I am friendly with who are becoming my good friends. Sewing for Christmas gifts, a cookout, pedicures, visiting, adding people to my morning text messages and some other things that are social in nature. I am enjoying, enjoying life again in the way that I want to. I like that I have started to do things for me and taken my complete focus off one place. I have learned that I need to make me important and have people in my life or I am going to die sad and alone one day. I have learned to notice the effort people put in and understand that even if I think it’s not enough at times, it may be all they can do in the way they know how to do it. My way isn’t always the best way just because it’s the way I want it to be. I have learned to accept, not like, the consequences of my actions knowing that I must have faith that it ok. I have learned that unlike a kid, I can’t have it all my way when I played my cards in a specific manner that created a situation that I can’t eliminate despite the desire down to my soul to do so. Some things just can’t be the way I want them. Live with it or leave it and that is a choice I have painfully and slowly managed to wrap my head around. I have learned perspective and although my acceptance of the way things are may not last forever, for now it will have to do. I have learned that if you want to get, you need to give first and invest in the outcome you want like a garden… weed it, water it, give it vitamins and you will have a wonderful garden. Ignore it and it will die. I’m growing my life and it now includes more than just one variety of meaning. I am remembering how to have fun and I am for the first time in a very long time, very happy. I love my family and my much happier life and my new friends who I hope to know for a long time. Life is good and now one day at a time so am I!